Update 49-01
Update 49-01
BLT's angsty rant
28th June 2006
11:50 PMFor the past two years, on this exact same date, I was making a movie.
Two years ago, it was my first film, Titus Andronicus. A year ago, it was Vendetta. This year, it’s the Haven Trailer.
As I painfully transition into the third year of this long and arduous expedition, I cannot help but question why I keep doing what I’ve been doing. Before you dismiss this as more BLT-Emo-Angst and self pity ranting (Which this probably is anyway), I would like to perhaps offer you a rare glimpse and insight into my personal doubts, trials, and tribulations in this short recollection of my filmmaking adventure over the past two to three years as I slowly cross the threshold of our 3rd movie making anniversary. Considering this site is traditionally largely void and guarded against personal emotion in the name of ‘professionalism’ – Be it either real or imaginary, I’d like to mark the occasion today by breaking that monotony.
Over the past two years, filmmaking for me has evolved from becoming a wholehearted passion to a routine responsibility. My initial ecstasy and exhilaration at producing and directing flicks has become more of a duty and obligation as the school’s unofficial renegade video guy. Don’t get me wrong – I do not blame either the school or any of its CCAs for enlisting my assistance on translating their ideas from script to screen. Rather, on the home front, I’ve come to the realization that in our own independent productions, we’ve been searching, hammering and racking our brains for original ideas – Ideas that we somehow forcefully squeeze out of our heads (Often at gunpoint) not for the love of film or artistic expression, but for the sake of gaining some sort of recognition from the local film industry (If there is one in the first place). As some of you have so often pointed out to me, my zeal, love, and passion for making movies has been slowly degenerating from humble beginnings as a productive hobby to some sort of mundane vocation. Ironically enough, the more ‘professional’ I become, the less I like what I’m doing.
As you read this, most of you are probably wondering how this came to pass. I think the fundamental answer rests in the reason why I’m making films. Is it out of my innate desire for self-expression? Is it perhaps my need for acknowledgement/popularity/recognition from my peers? Or is it my way of finding self-worth and acceptance in a school & society that’s all about image? Or is it a form of escapism from my hard school life? Am I doing this just because it is a unique niche area of expertise? Truthfully, I can’t say for sure. It may be a bit of everything or it could be something else entirely.
Having gone through an endless cycle of film after film, I’ve reached the point in my life where I’ve begun to question the sacrifices and compromises I’ve made in order to succeed. Since I’ve started, film has taken priority in my life above all else. My academics have plummeted beyond reconciliation, I am completely broke & in debt, my relationships with family and friends have been strained heavily, and copious… If not countless hours of time and effort have been spent on the many film productions over the years. I know that no pursuit is without its sacrifices and there are only so many hours in a day but without going into the details lest this succumb to repetitive complaining, I can’t help but doubt whether pursing the quest for that perfect film is really worth the sacrifices incurred considering the way things have been going for the past few years. I find that I am making films solely for the sake of winning competitions – Possibly wishing that scoring a success will somehow make the sacrifices all worth it.
Today, you guys made me feel that that sacrifice was really worth it.
Today has been one of the best birthdays I’ve ever had. Not as a result of any particularly special celebration or present but because of the sincere friendship, love, and generosity displayed by all of you who took the extra mile in wishing me a happy birthday handshake, singing me a birthday song, imparting words of comforting encouragement, and of course, giving me the many cards and gifts. You guys made me feel really good. From the bottom of my heart, I am truly grateful and would like to thank everyone for making this day a truly special one that I can remember and recall with a big smile on my face in many years to come.
This third year anniversary would not be complete without a dedication to you – Everyone who has participated in every single one of our productions for the past few years. To quote a cliché, words alone cannot express how honestly appreciative I am of everyone’s help, guidance, advice, and friendship through all our productions. All of you have made this seemingly futile endeavor worthwhile after all. I am indeed sorry for being a total jerk and domineering director some/most of the time. I thank you for putting up with me and for always lending and giving each production a helping hand in ensuring its success. I owe the success of any production to each and everyone one of your for I would be nowhere today without your help. Thank you ever so much for your free labor of love and commitment in making each movie possible. My heartfelt and earnest thanks goes out to all of you. My gratitude also goes all to all the viewers and audiences out there who have not only been our sounding board but have also supported and helped us develop and hone our skills over the past few years.
Whether or not I continue my passion (Or what’s left of it) for film and no matter where I end up in a few month’s time, I can always take great comfort and reassurance in the fact that I’ll always have awesome friends and comrades who I can always count on to cheer me up when I am down, and with whom I can share the greatest moments of our lives with together. Ya’ll have made my life worth filming for. Thanks everyone for giving me a great 17th Birthday.
Gosh that was such an emo post.
